Beast of Burden
by SasuNaruForever17
Summary: Thomas knew he'd lose this game. (Sort of a part two to 'Bigger than Guns, Bigger than Cigarettes' but can be read as a stand alone fic). For Anon and Dmnq8


**A/N: Sort of part 2 of 'Bigger than Guns, Bigger than Cigarettes, but can pretty much be read by itself. For Anon who wanted another and for Dmnq8! Lyrics of course from 'Beast of Burden' by Rolling Stones.**

Beast of Burden

_I'll never be your beast of burden_  
_My back is broad but it's a hurting_  
_All I want is for you to make love to me_

Jimmy awoke slowly, the loud pounding at his door a part of a routine he was very much used to by now. Every morning he had to be awake and ready to serve the upstairs men breakfast.

He unhurriedly pushed aside his covers and stepped onto the cold floor. Jimmy rubbed at his eyes, trying to remember what he had been dreaming about. The dream was gone, though. It had been the minute one of the hall boys had woken him up.

The water in his wash basin helped wake him up. It took the drowsiness from his head and when Jimmy looked into his mirror, he remembered. Last night had had walked in on Thomas in the bath. How stupid of him. Of _course_ the door had been closed for a reason.

Jimmy picked up his towel and dried his face. He glared at himself in the mirror before relaxing his eyebrows and curling his mouth into a low smirk. That was the face he liked best.

While he proceeded to get dressed, Jimmy let his thoughts wander gently to what he had spoken to Thomas about the night before. How he had missed him, war, his hand, and how he had wished Thomas had been as lucky as him…

Jimmy frowned, wondering why he was caught up on such a small midnight conversation. They'd had much better conversations in the past. But the bathroom one held more meaning somehow. Maybe it was because of Thomas's absence?

With a shrug of his shoulders Jimmy left his room.

* * *

_Am I hard enough_  
_Am I rough enough_  
_Am I rich enough_  
_I'm not too blind to see_

Thomas spooned hot soup into his mouth carefully. It was a bit bland, not coming close to what he had gotten to taste in America. Not that anyone cared what he had gotten up to across the pond. Except Jimmy, that is.

Everyone was very chatty this evening over the servant's supper. Mr. Carson seemed to be in a more cheerful mood than usual. If Mr. Carson was happy then things in the house were going smoothly. Thomas let his gaze fall across the table and down a spot to Jimmy. The man was stuffing bread into his mouth, trying not to laugh at something one of the other boys had said. The younger maids giggled but Jimmy took no interest in them. Thomas watched as Jimmy swallowed and take in a gulp of air, eyes squinting as he then smiled.

Thomas almost dropped his spoon. He held it above his bowl, eyes fixed unblinkingly on Jimmy and the expressions his face made. It was rare to see Jimmy like this, so utterly carefree. He had missed it. Thomas wished it was he who was making Jimmy fee like that.

Anna nudged him after realizing where Thomas had been looking. The under butler quickly adverted his eyes, going back to his soup. He knew Anna meant no harm. In fact, he begrudgingly liked the way she was sort of helping him out. It brought him back to reality that Jimmy wasn't his and would never be his so he might as well stop staring.

Soon, supper was over and Daisy cleared away their dishes. Thomas pulled out a cigarette and his lighter. He leaned back in his chair, back already aching from having to stand pole straight all day. His feet were sore as well. Too bad he couldn't get someone to give them a good rub. He would prefer it be Jimmy but-

"Mr. Barrow?"

Thomas looked down the line of his nose at Jimmy, who now sat directly across from him, pack of cards in hand. Thomas leisurely let out the breath he had been holding.

"Hm?"

Jimmy flashed him a small smile and Thomas grit his teeth at the way it made his heart stutter in its beating. He cursed himself silently.

"Want to play a quick hand of Euchre?" He sounded hopeful and who was Thomas to deny him?

"I'll play a game of Two-Handed, sure."

Jimmy dealt the cards while Thomas watched. There came again the thoughts of Jimmy's hands, how those long fingers could be firm while he played the piano, yet soft when he ran them along the table. Thomas stared at them, momentarily transfixed by the way they rapidly flicked cards forwards and back.

Thomas knew he'd lose this game.

* * *

Jimmy smirked triumphantly as he gathered the cards back up. He had won, surprisingly. It had seemed to him that Thomas had been a bit off his game, though. Probably still a bit out of it from the trip. Jimmy was about to suggest another game when he looked up at Thomas, right into his eyes. The man was staring directly at him. Mouth slightly parted, right hand holding his almost finished cigarette.

He didn't move. Thomas was like a statue. His body language was relaxed yet rigid. Jimmy tried to force himself to look away but he couldn't. Or maybe he just didn't want to. The way Thomas was so transfixed on him was as overwhelming odd as it was curious. Jimmy sat still as well, making it into a sort of contest of who would blink first.

Thomas's bottom lip twitched before he brought his cigarette in for a drag. He tipped his head back slightly, eyes never leaving Jimmy, and let out smokey breath towards the ceiling. Jimmy swallowed hard. His face felt hot. Maybe he was getting ill.

Jimmy finally let himself lose the contest. He blinked a few times and looked away from Thomas, over to the piano. Part of him suddenly wanted to play out a quick tune. He then remembered how Thomas had touched his neck and at the time how he'd thought it was weird. Jimmy looked back at Thomas's hand, how it held the small nub of paper gracefully. How had he ever once loathed the man?

Thomas snuffed out the cigarette before clearing his throat. Jimmy looked up at him but Thomas was looking elsewhere. With a scrape of his chair against the floor Jimmy stood.

"I'll be off to bed, then. 'Night."

Thomas said nothing and Jimmy didn't wait around for him to respond. He took the steps two at a time until he was in his room. He turned on the lamp sitting on his dresser and stared at himself in the mirror. His face, which he had thought to be holding his perfect mask, had slipped. His eyebrows were lower and his mouth didn't have that certain curl to it. He looked almost lost, perplexed even. Jimmy wondered if Thomas had seen.

" Of course he hadn't…" Jimmy whispered out. He reached down and cupped some water in his hands from the basin and rubbed it over his face. Wash away that look. Wash away those strange thoughts and last night's talk. Jimmy stripped out of his livery and into his pajamas. He went over to his bed and just sat on it.

* * *

_I'll never be your beast of burden_  
_So let's go home and draw the curtains_  
_Music on the radio_  
_Come on baby make sweet love to me_

Thomas went to his room after he was sure Jimmy had made it all the way up the stairs. He took each step slowly, his minds trying to wrap around what he had saw in Jimmy's face moments before. The man had looked completely open when they had stared at each other. In truth, Thomas had been miles away when he had been sitting completely still. But when Jimmy had looked at him, he had come back and slowly watched as that ever stoic mask of Jimmy's melted into something that made Thomas want to reach across the table and hold the man close. Hold him close and kiss those damn beautiful lips and just thinking about that made him remember the mistake he had made and the utterly stupid things he had said on that night.

Before he realized it Thomas was in front of his room. He went in and turned on a lamp. He put on his pajamas and went over to his window. He opened it and took a breath of the air that slowly blew in. These thoughts, Thomas had to stop letting them take hold. He wasn't lusting after Jimmy anymore, he was completely positively in love with him and that was worse than any lust he had ever felt. Thomas didn't want this. He wanted it and didn't want it. He needed to stop now before it got worse.

Of course, Thomas didn't think he'd actually act on this like he had before. But he knew he'd let his gaze linger too much and he'd let himself sink further into this pit of longing and despair he had thought he had almost climbed out of.

Thomas went to his bed and laid back on it. The silence made his ears ring slightly but in spite of it his eyes closed.

A singular, quiet knock on his door roused him and he shot up in bed. Who could-

Jimmy slipped into his room. He knew it was Jimmy by his height and the way his hair was still bright, even in the dim room. Thomas opened his mouth but didn't know what to say. What does one say in this situation? Thomas pulled his mind in and clenched his hands into fists. No, he would not let himself fall lower than he already had.

"Jimmy," Thomas whispered out, voice a bit rough, "what are you doing? I don't think-"

"Mr. Barrow. Er, Thomas. I can call you that, right?"

Thomas felt his nails dig harshly into his palm. Was Jimmy drunk? No, he couldn't be. Was he sleep walking? Had he been put up to this by someone? Thomas didn't move and once again tried to clear his thoughts and calm his nerves.

"You can but I don't think you should."

Jimmy came closer and the lamp light finally fell over his face. He looked exactly like he had last night in the bathroom, that odd worried look cast on his face. But at the same time it wasn't worried. It was something else entirely. Thomas was slightly frightened. Maybe Jimmy had come to murder him.

Thomas glanced down to Jimmy's hands that were resting neatly at his sides. No, there was no weapon. He was fine…

Jimmy lightly took a seat by to the left of his bed and looked at Thomas. The older man shivered involuntarily, his skin prickling with goose bumps. His hands finally relaxed a bit but stayed in fists.

For a few minutes, no one talked. Thomas stared at his blanket, refusing to look towards Jimmy. He felt the other man's eyes on him. Then Jimmy finally spoke, voice sounding somewhat broken.

"Where's my mask, Thomas? Why's it slipping, why can't I keep it in place when I look at you?"

Thomas inhaled sharply and looked at Jimmy. He looked exactly like he had when he first came in. Thomas felt his stomach churn. He flicked his eyes away and shrugged.

"I'm not the one to be asked that." Thomas didn't know what else to say. He really didn't.

Jimmy's expression quickly turned sullen and he reached out his hand. He grabbed Thomas's left hand and pulled it towards him. Thomas resisted but Jimmy was persistent and he finally let his arm relax. He couldn't bring himself to watch so Thomas turned his head as far to the right as he could.

Jimmy fingered the glove before tenderly removing it. It dropped to the floor with an almost nonexistent noise. Thomas forced his breathing to remain even. His right hand dug into his blanket.

Thomas felt Jimmy's hands close over his. Felt how hot his skin was on his own ice-like. It made his teeth clamp together harshly. This wasn't what he needed right now. He didn't need for Jimmy to be concerned or whatever it was he was doing. Didn't need him to play this game or whatever it was.

The hands on his own brought Thomas's hand up further and in those few daunting seconds Thomas knew what Jimmy was going to do. He felt it a moment later, the way the younger man's lips brushed against his finger tips. Then it as gone.

"Your hands are cold," Jimmy said quietly before bringing Thomas's hand back and this time he let the fingertips past his lips. Thomas swallowed hard when he felt Jimmy's warm tongue swipe across his fingers. He tried weakly to pull his hand back but Jimmy held on strong.

"Don't," Thomas tried unconvincingly. His heart wasn't in it, though. His head yelled at him to stop all of this nonsense but his heart fought desperately to take over, telling him it was right, that it was okay. When it wasn't, was it?

* * *

_I'll tell you you can put me out on the street_  
_Put me out with no shoes on my feet_  
_But, put me out, put me out_  
_Put me out of misery_

A thought came to Jimmy then. _Maybe I'm going insane. That must be it._ He ignored it and let Thomas's fingers further into his mouth. They rested lightly on his tongue for a moment before he drew a random pattern over them.

He wasn't really paying attention to that, though. He was more interested in why he was suddenly feeling like he needed to be closer to Thomas, to be in his space. To mess with him like a schoolboy did to his crush. Maybe these feelings were what was making his mask slip?

Jimmy pulled Thomas's fingers out of his mouth.

"Thomas, look at me."

The other man refused to. Jimmy felt himself pout a bit before he realized what kind of face he was making. He attempted to change it before trying Thomas again.

"Thomas. Mr. Barrow. Just look at me, please."

Jimmy knew he'd look. He had sounded so disgustingly desperate just then. And indeed Thomas did finally look. His head turned at a millimeter per second until he was looking directly at Jimmy.

He felt light headed. Thomas looked so utterly _beaten_. Not like he had when he had been beaten up on Jimmy's behalf, but beaten like he had just lost an internal war. In a way, Jimmy could relate. He himself was slowly losing his own battle.

Jimmy offered a smile but Thomas didn't respond to it. He looked at him with those same sad eyes and it was almost enough for Jimmy to get angry. Wasn't this what Thomas had always wanted? Maybe he had changed. Jimmy himself had changed, that much he was sure of.

* * *

_Yeah, all your affection I can suck it up_  
_Throw it all at me I can shrug it off_  
_There's one thing baby that I don't understand_  
_You keep on telling me I ain't your kind of man_

Thomas found his voice at last. It was feeble but he found it. He looked at Jimmy, saw him going through something that Thomas had went through many, many years ago.

"Jimmy, you can't. You need to stop. If you don't…" Thomas couldn't continue. His mouth was dry and suddenly he was overwhelmingly warm. His left hand started to sweat from where it was between Jimmy's and his right released his blanket. It came up to his face and he covered his eyes. Tried to regain some form of clarity to all this madness. He wanted desperately to give in but knew there were so many consequences.

Jimmy seemed to come back to himself as well. In his is eyes flashed something that Thomas couldn't have seen. He brought his hand away and chanced a look at Jimmy. The younger man held his eyes as he stood up and stepped over to Thomas. He sat gingerly down on the side of the bed, Thomas's hand still in his own.

"I don't understand it but I can't bear to see you like this. Like you're still at war."

Thomas didn't say anything. Jimmy continued.

"So just let me… be here. Not out of guilt. Not out of pity, but because I really do want to show you some sort of kindness."

Thomas felt time slow down unbelievably. His heart felt like it was being squeezed roughly and it was all he could do not to cry out or push Jimmy away or something of the sort. His mind took a solid step back and went into hiding as his body did what its heart told him to do.

He violently tore his hand from Jimmy's hold and brought his right up to grip the man's side in a harsh hold. Within a second Thomas was kissing Jimmy like his life depended on.

It only lasted for six seconds at most before Thomas was turning his head and pushing at Jimmy, trying to get him to go away because he had just made _another_ mistake. One that for sure would mean he'd have to pack his bags and write to his cousin in Bombay-

But Jimmy wouldn't be pushed away. He sat solid and fought off Thomas's pushing hand, gripping it once again in his own and bringing his head in. His forehead bumped against Thomas's temple and he let his lips press onto the older man's cheek. Thomas refused to turn. Jimmy's response made everything he had been thinking go entirely blank. His mouth, despite his mind, was still able to make words.

"Jimmy, stop."

It was a plea. Jimmy let go of his hand and Thomas sighed in relief before his head was pulled roughly around to face Jimmy. The man stared at him, a halfhearted glare on his face.

"No," he said, before descending on Thomas's lips. The heat was unbearable. Thomas sat still, feeling the push of Jimmy against him as their chests touched. His mind screamed at him from some deep underground well but Thomas wasn't listening. He refused to close his eyes and he let himself kiss back. Jimmy stared right back and it felt like it had turned into a challenge of sorts. Thomas refused to continue it, though, because this wasn't meant to be a challenge even though it felt like one.

* * *

_I'll never be your beast of burden_  
_I'll never be your beast of burden_  
_Never, never, never, never, never, never, never be_

Jimmy softly broke the kiss and sat back. Their heavy breathing filled the room as Jimmy fought to understand his actions and piece them with his feelings. He came to a small conclusion that kissing Thomas was in fact better than kissing any girl. The man before him radiated heat, so unlike the chill he had before. It was almost maddening, watching Thomas stare at him with those intense eyes, no longer sad but still a bit unbelieving.

He pulled away completely and stood, feeling Thomas's hand slip from his side. He stood there at the side of Thomas's bed, staring at him exactly as he had before when he had come into the room. It was almost like none of it had ever happened, but it had and Jimmy told himself that it was a good thing, that he needed it because damn it, _he had needed it_. It wasn't a wake up call but it was something that gave him a little more meaning to life, somehow.

"Goodnight, Thomas," Jimmy managed to get out. He tipped his lips up in a small smile before going to the door and exiting.

Thomas watched him leave. He got under his blankets and turned out the lamp. He wasn't tired at all. A part of him was scared but the other part, the part that loved Jimmy, soothed him. It told him he wouldn't need to worry about moving because Jimmy was giving him a chance. A chance at something more.

Jimmy walked back to his room and got into bed. He reasoned with himself that he hadn't at all made a mistake tonight, but instead had went on a quest to make himself a better man. He thought he had come back quite victorious. He had even rescued the lost maiden and gotten a kiss, hadn't he? Jimmy snorted before letting himself fall asleep.


End file.
